January 18, 2009: End of an Era

Yes. This is indeed what it looks like. I never thought I'd be one of "those moms," the ones who shared photos of themselves breastfeeding. I never thought I'd even want pictures of myself breastfeeding. Heck, up until just about 5 weeks before Caitrin was born, I didn't think I could breastfeed.

And yet, I did. And I am. And I do. Sadly, Sunday marked the end of the road, hopefully just for a while. When Caitrin was born, I never set a goal for how long we'd nurse, like some mothers do. I was just so surprised that I was allowed to do it, and thrilled that my baby took to it so well, that I decided we'd do it for as long as we both still enjoyed it, with the small caveat of having it in mind to stop before she was old enough to talk to her friends about it. Funny, but life had a bit different scenario in mind. Evidently, I am one of (apparently) few women who cannot get pregnant while nursing even the slightest bit. I'm letting a huge cat out of the bag here I realize, but we've been trying for another baby since early October. Five cycles now with no luck. Caitrin was conceived on Cycle Number Three. There's a lot of detail I won't share here, but the long and short of it seems to be that nursing might well be the culprit behind our difficulty this time. I hope that's all.

So it had been breaking my heart, but I'd started to seriously consider weaning Caitrin at eighteen months, if by then we're not pregnant. I wanted to be one of "those moms" who can nurse one all the way through the pregnancy with the next. But I'd started to consider that we've nursed for a really long time already, all things considered. A 2005 survey published by the CDC reported that among mothers and infants who start out breastfeeding, 73% are still doing so at seven days old, 57% at three months, 43% at nine months, 21% at twelve months, and 7% at eighteen months. We've definitely stuck it out far longer than most...so long, in fact, that I had started to get weird looks from some of my girlfriends when the question of "when did you wean?" came up, and their answers were "6 months" or "9 months" and mine was "I still haven't." I had reconciled myself to the eighteen months idea and was planning how we'd celebrate our "last time" with pictures and video so that a poor, weepy mother would have a memento of this amazing time.

And then my kid changed the rules. Don't they always. She is cutting molars. Why did no one tell me that this is hell?! She has also picked up a teensy, tiny bit of her dad's stomach virus, sans fever, thank the Lord. Yesterday, just as we were about to feed her lunch, she threw up spectacularly all over her high chair tray. Going on her pediatrician's past advice, we withheld solids for the rest of the day and just gave her Pedialyte. I didn't even realize that I gave it to her at bedtime instead of nursing, until she was fast asleep and I was downstairs rinsing out her cup. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: oh my God, I just weaned my baby. Once the panic hit, I told Sean what I had done. "Don't worry," he assured me, "you'll be able to get right back to it tomorrow night." I suspected otherwise; we've been just nursing at bedtime for over a month now, and some nights I hadn't even let down anymore. In other words, there wasn't a whole lot of milk left to begin with.

Today was a nasty, fussy, rotten day for my girl. Between her teeth and her tummy, she just couldn't seem to get comfortable and clung to one or the other of us all day. We took it very easy on her at dinner, opting for applesauce and baby cereal. She ate well considering how yucky she feels, but as I got up to put her dishes in the sink she barfed all over her dad. At that point we knew she just needed to go to bed, so we cleaned her up and brushed her teeth and put her down. I didn't dare even offer to nurse since it had been just 15 minutes since she got sick. She went down without a fuss and I can only pray that the two remaining molars break through overnight and her tummy settles. So it would appear that we are done, no fanfare, no souvenirs but those I hold in my memory. And the only one crying about it, of course, is me.

Prayer request & tunes updated

Just a quick one to ask for your prayers. On Thursday, I had a couple hours where I felt really under the weather...very sudden onset of stomach trouble and chills. Fortunately, it only lasted a couple hours for me. Sean, however, hasn't been so lucky. Sometime in the middle of the night Thursday night/Friday morning, he woke up very sick to his stomach. He has been most proud of his twelve-year streak of no throwing up, but sadly that came to an end. He stayed home, in bed, burning up with fever all day Friday. He had terrible chills and we just couldn't warm him up. He slept the entire day, all through the night, and until about noon today. He is feeling a little better and his temperature is down today, thankfully. I am doing my best to disinfect the house and keep Caitrin well.

I've had a little more alone time than even I relish, since Sean's been sick, so I've managed to kill some time updating my playlist. Hope you enjoy as much as I do!

Little Kitty & Little Lambs

Well, it's a new week so I'd better get the old news out of the way! Thursday evening we took Cassy to the vet for a recheck of her pemphigus, and she's doing great! So well, in fact, that the vet cut her prednisolone back even farther, from half a pill a day to half a pill every other day. She doesn't have to go back for another month. We are all thrilled with her progress!

On Saturday night we went to dinner at our friends Pastor Jason & Jennifer's. Their daughters Autumn, who's almost 3, and Hailey, 13 months, play well with Caitrin. After dinner the guys watched the girls while Jen and I went to Starbucks for dessert and talked about a book we're going to read together, along with another young mom friend from church. It's really interesting; when I'm able to say more about it I will!

Sunday was Sean's and my first time together in Little Lambs, our church's nursery. We had Caitrin, Hailey, and Baby Clara, who was born one day before Caitrin's first birthday. It was hard work keeping up with Caitrin and Hailey and making sure they stayed safe, but it sure was fun. Caitrin is so good with Clara. She's very gentle and extremely interested in her.

On our horizon are a possible trip to Port Discovery children's museum in Baltimore next Monday and an appointment with Caitrin's pediatrician on Tuesday to discuss our concerns over the fact that she's not walking yet. Please keep this in your prayers; I'm sure it'll be just fine but I must admit I am getting a little worried. Till soon.

Week in Review: kitty, kitty, kitty!

Sorry, no pics this time. I still have zillions to edit from Christmas. It has been a cold, wet, icy week here, forcing Caitrin and me to stay inside most of the time. After our trip to Arundel Mills over the weekend, I was inspired to try taking Caitrin to Annapolis Mall on Monday, because they, like Arundel Mills, have an H&M, but unlike Arundel Mills, I don't have to fear getting mugged in Annapolis. The H&M is in the newly expanded part of the mall, which still feels foreign to me. I hate the way you have to walk through Lord & Taylor to get to the expansion shops. I wouldn't think Lord & Taylor would be too thrilled about it, either. Anyhow...perhaps the risk to my life is greater at Arundel Mills, but the risk to the lives of the Annapolis Mall H&M employees is way up there after my visit. As soon as I walked in, I was struck by the fact that it was early afternoon on the Monday all the kids went back to school (very low foot traffic), yet there were no less than 10 employees in the store. They were flitting about like hummingbirds, until I was ready to check out and leave. Two of them were standing behind a bank of registers in the back of the store, so I strode purposefully up to them...and was told "we're closed back here." It took a couple seconds for me to pick my chin up off the floor and move. So I went and waited by the other registers, but suddenly the umpteen thousand employees were nowhere in sight. Caitrin had had her fill of shopping and I was ready to get the heck out of there, so after being summarily ignored for a full 15 minutes, I put my stuff down and left. To any locals reading this, please consider boycotting the H&M at Annapolis Mall. I have never been treated so rudely.

Tuesday we made another fruitless shopping trip to Marley Station Mall. I guess I should mention that I'm on the hunt for cute, long-sleeved peasant-type blouses. Everyone's wearing them, but it seems no one actually sells them. We killed some time on a rainy day, but that's about it.

Wednesday we headed to Wal-Mart (sorry, Dad) because the zipper on Caitrin's winter coat broke and I needed to find something with which to fix it. I was tempted to buy her a whole new coat, as they were marked down to $8, but hers is adorable vintage Old Navy that I got on eBay and it's so much nicer. I found lacing that matches the pink in her coat perfectly, so I replaced the broken zipper tab with a pull made of lacing, and it's as good as new. The only trouble is that the lacing, and the pink in Caitrin's coat, are raspberry pink, and now I've got that horrible Prince song "Raspberry Beret" so stuck in my head I think it's cranially tattooed.

This evening Caitrin and I are taking Cassy back to the vet for a re-check. She still seems to be doing well, but this week she has taken a step back and had two bathroom "accidents" on our Christmas tree skirt. I washed it right away the first time and thought it would be fine, but she could obviously still smell something even though I couldn't, because she gave a repeat performance this morning. I refused to speak to her for a few hours both times.

Caitrin is still obsessed with Cassy. Every time I go and get her from a nap, the first thing I say to her is "hi, baby girl" and the first thing she says to me is "key?" She always needs to know where "key" is. The other day I was putting food in Cassy's dish and she was uncharacteristically nowhere to be found, so I gave the "here, kitty, kitty, kitty" call and of course she came running. Now Caitrin does it. I took her out to lunch today, and as soon as we walked in the door coming home, she said, "key, key, key, key, key!"

I'm all out of news for now, so let me go try to find something interesting to do so that I can write about it next time!

Making up for lost time

I highly doubt that I will keep up this string of daily posts, but as it has been a while, I thought I should post a few more of the latest and greatest pics. No news that I'd really consider newsworthy. We had a typical-for-us weekend.

Yesterday afternoon we went to Arundel Mills. It's not someplace I'm comfortable taking Caitrin when it's just she and I, but since Sean was home we ventured out. Mostly just looked around, but I did locate a positively darling pair of baby girl sneakers at H&M. They were the only pair and a size 3, so I took that as a sign Caitrin was meant to have them. Sean and I tried to read at the bookstore, but Caitrin wasn't having any of that. But I did at least get a peek at a book I've been wanting, then came home and ordered it off half.com for half off the price at the mall. Sean made the most amazing chicken for dinner, and as Caitrin refused to nap all day, she conked out at 4:45 and that was it for her. We actually got to enjoy dinner as a couple.

Went to church this morning, of course. Caitrin played in nursery with her best pal Hailey and Sean and I enjoyed the sermon. This afternoon Sean got our January groceries and I stayed with Caitrin so she could nap. She and I killed some time at Babies R Us tonight while Sean vacuumed. See, this is why I am not a daily blogger. My own account of this weekend's events has nearly put me to sleep. Better, I think, to wait until something more thrilling than washing yet another load of diapers happens.

So I see my Project Playlist is on the fritz. Will look into that at the earliest opportunity, because one truly cannot know me without knowing the off-the-wall soundtrack of my life. Got a husband who needs some attention now, so I'm out. Till soon, be blessed.

And a few more for good measure

So, here it is. 2009. And here I am. Wide awake at 1 am thanks to an ultra-girly coffee thing I had at 3 pm, not realizing it was caffeinated. I've been completely off all forms of caffeine for over 2 months now, so its effect on me today (yesterday?) was overwhelming.

Before Christmas I declared blog amnesty, citing upheaval in the personal realm as well as a serious deficit of time. Well, the issues (actually, it's a singular issue but it's so massive it feels like many) have not resolved at all, and while it's instinctual for me to turn inward in the face of such an albatross, life is still going on around me. I can narrate recent events, present my observations of a world that's moving while I stand still, without giving much of myself away. For now, that'll have to do.

As illustrated by the photos, we had a wonderful Christmas. Caitrin had a blast this year. I hesitated to put the tree in the living room, where it was fair game for her curious inspection, but the matter was settled for me. I mentioned in my "amnesty" post that Cassy the kitty had taken ill. What began with itchy ears escalated to ears covered in two inches of scabby mess, accompanied by a refusal to get up out of bed for any reason. Not our girl, not by a long shot. Sean took her to the vet; she put Cassy on amoxicillin and suspected an autoimmune disorder known as pemphigus foliaceus. She went on to do a biopsy of the scales when Cassy slipped farther away while on amoxicillin. For several days, it looked as if we were preparing for goodbye. Then Cassy started prednisolone and clindamycin. The morning after she started the medication, 95% of the scales had fallen off her ears and she was chasing me around demanding food at all hours. Biopsy showed she does indeed have pemphigus (its etiology is very similar to that of lupus) and will likely be on steroids for the rest of her life. Her vet is amazed at the rapid recovery and things look good.

But I digress...in her severely weakened state, I decided to move Cassy out of the basement so I could keep a close watch on her. I set up a bed, litter box and food & water in the office, as the doorway is gated off to prevent Caitrin from playing with computer wires and heirloom china. This necessitated moving the Christmas tree from its safe spot behind the aforementioned gate to the living room where it was fair game. Thankfully, Caitrin has learned "gentle," and it applies in so many situations. Gentle with the tree. Gentle with the kitty...do not grab her tail! Gentle with Mama...we don't hit even when we are angry.

So our girls definitely got what they wanted for Christmas. Cassy is back, large and in charge and living upstairs again. Not a single bathroom accident since she's been up here. She now gets canned food, once a rare delicacy in our house, every day as we crush her steroid pill and mix it in with the food. And Caitrin has many, many new toys, but her favorite is her "key." She speed-crawls everywhere after Cassy, whose vet says she must enjoy the chase a little bit or she wouldn't put herself in the line of fire. Caitrin knows how to "pet the kitty gentle" and is happy to demonstrate on herself, her stuffed animals, her dad and me...you name it. Caitrin got a guitar from her Nanny and now she can rock and roll right along with Daddy.

Caitrin turned 15 months old on December 21st. At her 15-month well visit (devoid of shots this time...another Christmas gift!) she weighed 22 lbs 4 oz and was 29 3/4 inches, putting her just under the 50th percentile for her age in both measurements. Her growth curve remains steady. She is still not walking, but stands for long periods unsupported and loves to play a game where she stands up, lets go and then falls on her butt. She has 8 teeth that are completely in and four more that have peeked through. To her vocabulary she has most recently added "me" and "yeah." She still loves books above all else and will point to any illustration or photograph of a kitty in a book and tell you it's a "key." She is still wearing size 2 sneakers, but her adorable brown size 2 dress shoes have become too tight. She is obsessed with doors lately; opening them, shutting them, laughing when she shuts herself in her room with us on the other side of the door. We go as often as weather and temperature permit to see the big planes at BWI. It still thrills me to no end that she loves this as much as I do and hasn't tired of it.

I think my coffee buzz is finally fading and the eyelids are feeling a little heavy. Will close up shop and check back in soon. Hope everyone's holidays were warm and wonderful and may you all have a blessed new year.

Christmas pics...