The Good, The Bad, & The Boring

Ahh, yes, believe it or not, I am still here. Once again more time has elapsed than I intended since our last update. I said it before but it bears repeating...I tend to get quiet when things are challenging and/or not terribly positive. While they're still far from where I'd like them to be, progress is being made on the big issues and that is a relief. So here's the latest in summary:

The Good

• Caitrin doesn't really appear to show a true gross motor delay, and shows no delays of any other sort whatsoever
• Her picky eating of late is merely typical behavior for someone her age
• Her growth is absolutely fine. She's gained 4 ounces and grown 1 3/4 inches since her 15-month well visit
• She's saying all kinds of new things. Sean is now officially "Daddy," and I am occasionally referred to as "Mommy," though I've gotta admit I prefer "Mama" because it's a New England thing
• We've discovered that as long as we're ridiculously over-prepared with books and toys and snacks and crayons, we can now go out to dinner and take Caitrin with us and actually have a really good time
• We left Caitrin with a babysitter other than my girlfriend the RN, and she was an angel. They both had a great time together
• I had a really positive initial appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist, who without hesitation said he's certain he can help us get pregnant
• Cassy the kitty is still doing well, and has graduated to only taking prednisolone on Wednesdays & Saturdays. She continues to be infinitely patient with and forgiving of Caitrin, which makes up for the few times she's pooped on the floor

The Bad

• Caitrin is pretty nap-resistant lately, and it makes getting anything done impossible. She's tired, but she won't nap, so then she's very clingy and grumpy. I continue to put her down at her regular nap times. If she sleeps, great. If not, she stays in her room anyhow and I put her to bed early
• She's starting to throw tantrums when we say no or when she can't have what she wants immediately. We've chosen the method by which we completely ignore these outbursts as a way of dealing with them for now
• Sean and (mostly) I have a lot of testing to go through as part of our prescreening with the RE. Mine is cycle-dependent, and since we started all this in the middle of a cycle I've now got to wait until the beginning of the next one to start my end of the testing. So this feels to me like yet another month down the tubes. I know that this "could be our month" without any intervention, but as the months roll on by that seems increasingly less likely.
• The unspoken code of conduct is "no kids in the waiting room" at the RE. Of course, they are aware that in order for their patients to continue treatment, it will sometimes be necessary for them to bring their children. In general, though, it's frowned upon. So I've got to either impose upon my girlfriend the RN, who is now working nights, to watch Caitrin (and she loves doing it, but is pretty sleep-deprived right now), or upon Sean to take time off work to watch her while I go to appointments. We are not the first to face this and (sadly) will not be the last, and I know we'll work something out. It's just yet another challenge I didn't bargain for
• It's improving by leaps and bounds, but the air around here has been pretty thick at times. After twelve years together we're pretty good at communicating, just not about the "i-word"

The Boring

• I'm working on our taxes. This is the ultimate in boredom for most people, but I actually like it. I suck at math, but taxes have always come easy to me
• We discovered a leak where the water supply connects to the garbage disposal in the kitchen, and nothing we do seems to make it stop. Fortunately it's a small leak, and for now we handle it by putting a folded dish towel underneath to catch it
• I'm once again keeping a daily log of blood pressure readings. This time it's to prove to the RE that my BP is fine at home. I hate doing it but I love having proof that my readings are fine

And that's that. If there's anything else, it's so inconsequential that I can't even think of it so it definitely doesn't deserve space here. Hope all is well with you and yours.

25 Random Things About Me

This has been going around Facebook and I've really been enlightened reading about everyone. Thought I would post it here as well. For those who have read the one on Facebook, this one's slightly different. I thought of other things after I did the first one.

1. The summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school took a turn I'd never have foreseen. I was trying to train to run cross country in the fall, so one day my sister and I decided to ride bikes. We rode down Red Mill Road in Parish, where they had just dug a brand new ditch near the house my brother lives in now. A car was coming, so I tried to get over on the shoulder a little more. Little did I know that the shoulder was gone where they'd dug the ditch. So down I fell, 15 feet into mud and brush-hogged poison ivy. My sister turned white as a sheet. I was able to stand up, but when I tried to pull myself together my collarbone made an awful crunching noise. I remember telling my sister to "go get Mom," then sitting down on the bank. I know I looked like the Swamp Thing, and these two really kind ladies came by to see if I was okay. I told them that I'd fallen off my bike and my sister had gone to get our mom just down the road, but they didn't want to leave me and let me sit in their truck wrapped up in a blanket till Mom got there. She knew she had to take me to the emergency room, but we had to clean me up a little first, so I remember getting in the shower with all my clothes on and Mom helping me peel them off. I was in shock so my memory's a little iffy, but I never will forget being at Crouse and no less than 10 medical students standing around to watch the ER doc set my collarbone WITHOUT having given me pain meds. To wrap this up, I'll just say I haven't been back on a bike since.
2. Caitrin won't eat a thing right now. I guess getting molars really is horrendous. I just spent tons of time and money buying all the things I know she likes best, but she wouldn't eat a bite of anything at dinner tonight. I feel so badly for her, but I confess I get really angry when she refuses food.
3. I was in labor with Caitrin for at least 48 hours, possibly even longer. She wasn't due till October 22, 2007, but just after my birthday, on September 10th, I started having unrelenting back pain. I guess that must've been when she dropped. I went to my 35-week OB appointment on September 19th and told him I'd started to have quite a bit of bloody show. He wasn't overly concerned because there really wasn't anything effective they could do that late in the pregnancy to stop labor if it was in progress, but he didn't think it was. I went back to work, but the back pain began to intensify and be spasmy. My coworkers threw my going-away party/baby shower that day and sent me home early to rest. I fully expected to be back the next day; I was planning to work another week and a half before I left. That night the spasms started to wrap around my belly, but I went to bed, didn't sleep much, but felt better when I got up. Once I started to get ready for work, though, the back pain and crampy feelings intensified even more, and we decided I needed to stay home and rest. REST?! I had a hunch that even if I wasn't in labor yet, this baby was coming far earlier than her due date, and we had NOTHING ready! I spent the day fending off pain while washing 4 loads of baby clothes and putting together the bouncy seat and Pack 'N Play. In the afternoon I ran to Target because we didn't have a lamp for the baby's room yet. As I was bending over to check out lamp parts, I felt a kind of gush. I think my water had already broken, but it certainly did then if not earlier. When I got home I called my girlfriend Nancy, the L&D nurse. She came to check on me and found that I was 3 cm dilated and almost fully effaced. She said we had to get to the hospital; we were having our baby! By the time we got to the hospital I'd been uncomfortable for 36 hours. Since they suspected my water had broken over 24 hours earlier, they started Pitocin. Then things stalled for HOURS. Fast forward to 9:17 the next morning, and I had my little Caitrin after pushing for 3.5 hours!
4. I am totally skeeved by every type of insect, save for ladybugs. When I was working, we had a bug problem in our building and I used to shriek like a banshee and make the lady I worked for kill the offender. I don't know what I'm gonna do when Caitrin needs me to kill a bug. I'll probably need to be resuscitated.
5. I don't miss working, but I miss many of my former coworkers. They were like family to me for almost 7 years.
6. I have to pick up after Caitrin many times a day or it drives me nuts. I put away the same toys over and over and she gets them right back out again, but I can't go too long with my house looking like a cyclone just blew through.
7. I only ever kissed one other boy before I met Sean. When we got together, I wished for a long time that I could take back kissing the other loser.
8. I thought I was in love once, in high school (though I never actually dated the guy), but as soon as I met Sean I realized that what I'd felt before was just infatuation.
9. I used to be nearly fluent in French. It's been over a decade since I've studied it, so I can't really speak it anymore, but I can still read a little and understand even more than that. If I read something and hear it spoken, I can almost certainly ascertain what's being said. Much of the music I like is in French, and save for a song I can't find an adequate translation for, I understand it.
10. When Sean's brother Patrick and his wife Jennifer were getting ready to adopt our nephew A.P. and niece Margaret from Russia, Sean and I attempted to learn Russian. I thought it'd come easy for me since both French and Spanish did. Boy, was I wrong. Russian is crazy-hard, not least of all because looking at the spelling of the words I can't pronounce doesn't help a bit with pronunciation. The Cyrillic alphabet is evil.
11. I'd like to take another stab at learning Russian some day, and I want my children to know their way around several foreign languages. I can see all of us learning together. Language fascinates me.
12. When I was a kid I felt like I was totally in the wrong generation. I felt like I could've fit just fine growing up in the post-Civil War era, or in my grandparents' generation, but I thought I was completely out of place in my own generation. I can't conjure up those feelings now no matter how I try.
13. I finally started to feel like I might fit in this world when I was in college. Even though the goals I wanted to attain seemed really far off, at least I finally knew what I needed to do to become the person I wanted to be.
14. I would never go back to my high school years if you paid me, but I feel badly for writing off so many people just because I thought they were immature or petty. I'm glad to be reconnecting with so many people on Facebook.
15. Sean and I wrote and mostly recorded an album a few years ago. We got about 75% done, and then our lives changed and the life of our "producer" friend changed and no more has been done with it. I don't think we've seen the last of those songs. They'll resurface in some way before our time is up.
16. When I'm thinking, I tilt my head to the right. I was just reminded of this when I realized that my neck is killing me from sitting in this position for so long.
17. I've been cheating myself out of getting adequate rest since Caitrin was born because I need some time to unplug. And then I complain because I'm always tired.
18. I invented my own macaroni and cheese recipe when I was pregnant with Caitrin, and I really don't mean to brag but I've never tasted one better.
19. I want desperately to like my hair curly again. I love that when I wear it straight I only have to wash it every 2-3 days, but I don't want my kids to see me in any way trying to change something God made unique about me, because I don't want them trying to change their unique characteristics either.
20. I was a spelling bee champion in late elementary and middle school. I almost made it to the National Spelling Bee when I was in eighth grade, but I got stumped by the word evanescence because I'd never heard it before.
21. I am very anal about spelling and grammar, and it bugs me to no end when people post things to a public forum without using said forum's spelling and grammar check functions. God is working with me on this.
22. We're having Caitrin evaluated for gross motor delays because she is not walking yet, and I am having a very hard time coming to terms with it. I say that I would love any child God gave me, whether ill or well, brilliant or challenged, but it's much more difficult in practice not to feel some disappointment. I hate even seeing myself write that. I think (and so does her pediatrician) that Caitrin's right on track in every other regard. But what if she weren't? I want her to excel, to at least have the potential to be the best at anything. God has some work to do with my heart here as well.
23. For every word I may not speak, I probably write a hundred. My thought processes are so internal, and it all spills out on overkill when I write.
24. Sean and I have been adamant that we will homeschool our children since the day we got together. I don't see any reason to make them wait until they're 5 to begin a formal education, either. If they're ready and eager to learn, I'll start earlier. I went to public school, but my mom and dad taught me to read before I started kindergarten.
25. I am one of those horrible mothers who defied the standard of not giving peanut butter to children under 3. I think I first tried it with Caitrin when she was about 9 months old. One of the only things I can get her to eat in this ultra-picky phase she's in is whole grain toast with a little peanut butter. She won't eat meat and she needs to get protein from somewhere. And I'm sorry, but we are absolutely NOT bean people.
    

January 18, 2009: End of an Era

Yes. This is indeed what it looks like. I never thought I'd be one of "those moms," the ones who shared photos of themselves breastfeeding. I never thought I'd even want pictures of myself breastfeeding. Heck, up until just about 5 weeks before Caitrin was born, I didn't think I could breastfeed.

And yet, I did. And I am. And I do. Sadly, Sunday marked the end of the road, hopefully just for a while. When Caitrin was born, I never set a goal for how long we'd nurse, like some mothers do. I was just so surprised that I was allowed to do it, and thrilled that my baby took to it so well, that I decided we'd do it for as long as we both still enjoyed it, with the small caveat of having it in mind to stop before she was old enough to talk to her friends about it. Funny, but life had a bit different scenario in mind. Evidently, I am one of (apparently) few women who cannot get pregnant while nursing even the slightest bit. I'm letting a huge cat out of the bag here I realize, but we've been trying for another baby since early October. Five cycles now with no luck. Caitrin was conceived on Cycle Number Three. There's a lot of detail I won't share here, but the long and short of it seems to be that nursing might well be the culprit behind our difficulty this time. I hope that's all.

So it had been breaking my heart, but I'd started to seriously consider weaning Caitrin at eighteen months, if by then we're not pregnant. I wanted to be one of "those moms" who can nurse one all the way through the pregnancy with the next. But I'd started to consider that we've nursed for a really long time already, all things considered. A 2005 survey published by the CDC reported that among mothers and infants who start out breastfeeding, 73% are still doing so at seven days old, 57% at three months, 43% at nine months, 21% at twelve months, and 7% at eighteen months. We've definitely stuck it out far longer than most...so long, in fact, that I had started to get weird looks from some of my girlfriends when the question of "when did you wean?" came up, and their answers were "6 months" or "9 months" and mine was "I still haven't." I had reconciled myself to the eighteen months idea and was planning how we'd celebrate our "last time" with pictures and video so that a poor, weepy mother would have a memento of this amazing time.

And then my kid changed the rules. Don't they always. She is cutting molars. Why did no one tell me that this is hell?! She has also picked up a teensy, tiny bit of her dad's stomach virus, sans fever, thank the Lord. Yesterday, just as we were about to feed her lunch, she threw up spectacularly all over her high chair tray. Going on her pediatrician's past advice, we withheld solids for the rest of the day and just gave her Pedialyte. I didn't even realize that I gave it to her at bedtime instead of nursing, until she was fast asleep and I was downstairs rinsing out her cup. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: oh my God, I just weaned my baby. Once the panic hit, I told Sean what I had done. "Don't worry," he assured me, "you'll be able to get right back to it tomorrow night." I suspected otherwise; we've been just nursing at bedtime for over a month now, and some nights I hadn't even let down anymore. In other words, there wasn't a whole lot of milk left to begin with.

Today was a nasty, fussy, rotten day for my girl. Between her teeth and her tummy, she just couldn't seem to get comfortable and clung to one or the other of us all day. We took it very easy on her at dinner, opting for applesauce and baby cereal. She ate well considering how yucky she feels, but as I got up to put her dishes in the sink she barfed all over her dad. At that point we knew she just needed to go to bed, so we cleaned her up and brushed her teeth and put her down. I didn't dare even offer to nurse since it had been just 15 minutes since she got sick. She went down without a fuss and I can only pray that the two remaining molars break through overnight and her tummy settles. So it would appear that we are done, no fanfare, no souvenirs but those I hold in my memory. And the only one crying about it, of course, is me.

Prayer request & tunes updated

Just a quick one to ask for your prayers. On Thursday, I had a couple hours where I felt really under the weather...very sudden onset of stomach trouble and chills. Fortunately, it only lasted a couple hours for me. Sean, however, hasn't been so lucky. Sometime in the middle of the night Thursday night/Friday morning, he woke up very sick to his stomach. He has been most proud of his twelve-year streak of no throwing up, but sadly that came to an end. He stayed home, in bed, burning up with fever all day Friday. He had terrible chills and we just couldn't warm him up. He slept the entire day, all through the night, and until about noon today. He is feeling a little better and his temperature is down today, thankfully. I am doing my best to disinfect the house and keep Caitrin well.

I've had a little more alone time than even I relish, since Sean's been sick, so I've managed to kill some time updating my playlist. Hope you enjoy as much as I do!

Little Kitty & Little Lambs

Well, it's a new week so I'd better get the old news out of the way! Thursday evening we took Cassy to the vet for a recheck of her pemphigus, and she's doing great! So well, in fact, that the vet cut her prednisolone back even farther, from half a pill a day to half a pill every other day. She doesn't have to go back for another month. We are all thrilled with her progress!

On Saturday night we went to dinner at our friends Pastor Jason & Jennifer's. Their daughters Autumn, who's almost 3, and Hailey, 13 months, play well with Caitrin. After dinner the guys watched the girls while Jen and I went to Starbucks for dessert and talked about a book we're going to read together, along with another young mom friend from church. It's really interesting; when I'm able to say more about it I will!

Sunday was Sean's and my first time together in Little Lambs, our church's nursery. We had Caitrin, Hailey, and Baby Clara, who was born one day before Caitrin's first birthday. It was hard work keeping up with Caitrin and Hailey and making sure they stayed safe, but it sure was fun. Caitrin is so good with Clara. She's very gentle and extremely interested in her.

On our horizon are a possible trip to Port Discovery children's museum in Baltimore next Monday and an appointment with Caitrin's pediatrician on Tuesday to discuss our concerns over the fact that she's not walking yet. Please keep this in your prayers; I'm sure it'll be just fine but I must admit I am getting a little worried. Till soon.

Week in Review: kitty, kitty, kitty!

Sorry, no pics this time. I still have zillions to edit from Christmas. It has been a cold, wet, icy week here, forcing Caitrin and me to stay inside most of the time. After our trip to Arundel Mills over the weekend, I was inspired to try taking Caitrin to Annapolis Mall on Monday, because they, like Arundel Mills, have an H&M, but unlike Arundel Mills, I don't have to fear getting mugged in Annapolis. The H&M is in the newly expanded part of the mall, which still feels foreign to me. I hate the way you have to walk through Lord & Taylor to get to the expansion shops. I wouldn't think Lord & Taylor would be too thrilled about it, either. Anyhow...perhaps the risk to my life is greater at Arundel Mills, but the risk to the lives of the Annapolis Mall H&M employees is way up there after my visit. As soon as I walked in, I was struck by the fact that it was early afternoon on the Monday all the kids went back to school (very low foot traffic), yet there were no less than 10 employees in the store. They were flitting about like hummingbirds, until I was ready to check out and leave. Two of them were standing behind a bank of registers in the back of the store, so I strode purposefully up to them...and was told "we're closed back here." It took a couple seconds for me to pick my chin up off the floor and move. So I went and waited by the other registers, but suddenly the umpteen thousand employees were nowhere in sight. Caitrin had had her fill of shopping and I was ready to get the heck out of there, so after being summarily ignored for a full 15 minutes, I put my stuff down and left. To any locals reading this, please consider boycotting the H&M at Annapolis Mall. I have never been treated so rudely.

Tuesday we made another fruitless shopping trip to Marley Station Mall. I guess I should mention that I'm on the hunt for cute, long-sleeved peasant-type blouses. Everyone's wearing them, but it seems no one actually sells them. We killed some time on a rainy day, but that's about it.

Wednesday we headed to Wal-Mart (sorry, Dad) because the zipper on Caitrin's winter coat broke and I needed to find something with which to fix it. I was tempted to buy her a whole new coat, as they were marked down to $8, but hers is adorable vintage Old Navy that I got on eBay and it's so much nicer. I found lacing that matches the pink in her coat perfectly, so I replaced the broken zipper tab with a pull made of lacing, and it's as good as new. The only trouble is that the lacing, and the pink in Caitrin's coat, are raspberry pink, and now I've got that horrible Prince song "Raspberry Beret" so stuck in my head I think it's cranially tattooed.

This evening Caitrin and I are taking Cassy back to the vet for a re-check. She still seems to be doing well, but this week she has taken a step back and had two bathroom "accidents" on our Christmas tree skirt. I washed it right away the first time and thought it would be fine, but she could obviously still smell something even though I couldn't, because she gave a repeat performance this morning. I refused to speak to her for a few hours both times.

Caitrin is still obsessed with Cassy. Every time I go and get her from a nap, the first thing I say to her is "hi, baby girl" and the first thing she says to me is "key?" She always needs to know where "key" is. The other day I was putting food in Cassy's dish and she was uncharacteristically nowhere to be found, so I gave the "here, kitty, kitty, kitty" call and of course she came running. Now Caitrin does it. I took her out to lunch today, and as soon as we walked in the door coming home, she said, "key, key, key, key, key!"

I'm all out of news for now, so let me go try to find something interesting to do so that I can write about it next time!

Making up for lost time

I highly doubt that I will keep up this string of daily posts, but as it has been a while, I thought I should post a few more of the latest and greatest pics. No news that I'd really consider newsworthy. We had a typical-for-us weekend.

Yesterday afternoon we went to Arundel Mills. It's not someplace I'm comfortable taking Caitrin when it's just she and I, but since Sean was home we ventured out. Mostly just looked around, but I did locate a positively darling pair of baby girl sneakers at H&M. They were the only pair and a size 3, so I took that as a sign Caitrin was meant to have them. Sean and I tried to read at the bookstore, but Caitrin wasn't having any of that. But I did at least get a peek at a book I've been wanting, then came home and ordered it off half.com for half off the price at the mall. Sean made the most amazing chicken for dinner, and as Caitrin refused to nap all day, she conked out at 4:45 and that was it for her. We actually got to enjoy dinner as a couple.

Went to church this morning, of course. Caitrin played in nursery with her best pal Hailey and Sean and I enjoyed the sermon. This afternoon Sean got our January groceries and I stayed with Caitrin so she could nap. She and I killed some time at Babies R Us tonight while Sean vacuumed. See, this is why I am not a daily blogger. My own account of this weekend's events has nearly put me to sleep. Better, I think, to wait until something more thrilling than washing yet another load of diapers happens.

So I see my Project Playlist is on the fritz. Will look into that at the earliest opportunity, because one truly cannot know me without knowing the off-the-wall soundtrack of my life. Got a husband who needs some attention now, so I'm out. Till soon, be blessed.